WTF Is In Our Yard: The Hydrangea Hail Mary

When I was little, I had to come to terms with my mother being a plant thief. I mean, she wasn't digging shrubs up by moonlight or anything extreme like that but, if she saw something she wanted, she would snap off a stem or pocket a seed pod so she could try to grow it in her own garden. It happened a lot - at the zoo, at a botanical garden, in the neighbor's front yard - and I was horrified and embarrassed.

Fast forward 40 years when I tried to convince my wife to drive me a half hour south and back the car up to a bus stop so I could jump out of the hatch and grab a few cuttings of a massive limelight hydrangea growing behind the Five Below.

I mean, it wasn't like I was taking the whole-ass bush. Just a couple of stems. The plant wouldn't even miss them. Neither would Five Below.

I planted a strawberry vanilla tree in late spring and... let's just say it isn't doing well. Late summer is when hydrangeas are supposed to reach their epic peak - bursting with flower clusters bigger than your head and abuzz with pollinators. 

these are what hydrangeas are supposed to be

My hydrangea began its slow decline just a few weeks after I placed it in the front garden, despite me doing what I thought was everything right. The rose trees I planted at the same time flourished. The hydrangea, on the other hand, told me in plant speak that I could f*ck all the way off.

...and here's my extra crispy one

Despite my severe hydrangea envy, I couldn't bring myself to steal from Five Below. I blame ex-Catholic guilt. Also, I didn't want to be caught on camera and have an all-points bulletin for a short Asian woman riding in the back of an SUV, armed with pruners. I ended up buying a bouquet at Fresh Market to try to propagate instead. We shall see, in 4-6 weeks, if my almost-life of crime was worth it.

my wife was thrilled that I chose the dining table to do my potting